Seven Ways to Fail at Twitter

I felt the need to provide a counterpoint to this.

Since I'm an introvert, I have a knack for ticking people off. Through much trial and error, I have found the best ways to ostracize myself, not only from Twitter, but pretty much any gathering of humans. I currently have 23 followers and falling, and will probably have even less after this post. Huzzah!

If you wish to retain your reclusive nature, here are the seven best ways to fail utterly at Twitter:

1) Don't care about other people. This seems obvious, but it can be deceivingly difficult to have complete apathy for other humans. (Notice I'm not talking about antipathy here. This is indifference, not disgust.) Don't take an interest in anyone else, and hopefully, they will take the hint and get their attention elsewhere.

2) Don't read tweets/posts/blogs by anyone else. People only care about themselves, and if you start reading about what they think, then they are more likely to think you care about them.
See 1).

3) Never respond to anyone by name. People like attention, and if you give it to them, they might stick around, which is appalling in the grand scheme of things. In other words, if you do read what other people write, then for Pete's sake, don't tell them you did so. Though it is far better to only write about yourself, and preferably in abstract ways that mean little to anyone but yourself.

4) Talk about your cat/kids/poetry. Besides caring about themselves, people only really like controversy. Think train wrecks or beautiful people doing dumb things, and do something absolutely the opposite. I suggest linking pictures of waterfalls. Like so.

5) Never ever use "#". Using a hashtag is like an indoctrination tattoo that brands you as a member of a tribe. And tribes are made of people. And people are bad.

6) Play the Devil's advocate. Argue...I mean, debate people about everything they care about. Preferably if you can maintain a cool composure. Everyone hates a hothead troll, but people loathe the guy who never insults everyone, who reasonably shreds everything you care about to ribbons, and who always seems to be right, while making you look and feel like an idiot.

7) Never ask for the opinions of other people. If you ask for comments, that implies you will read what they write, which goes against 2).

Hopefully this post will be helpful to the frustrated introverts among us who have been doing this thing all wrong from the beginning, and will teach them the fundamental tools to sever interpersonal relationships, so that we can find fulfillment with our intrapersonal communication.

Comic #22

A Guide

Let's travel this road, you and I
you do not know this city
so I will teach you the words
you have no money
so I will feed you crackers
and apple sauce, and don't
worry, you can have my share
I will carry you when you are
too weak to walk, I will show
you places you've never been
watch out for that alley! Let's
hurry, but not too fast, for
others who have walked this
path have said "you will miss
this when it's gone" and we
can never go back, not ever.

Perhaps one day, far from here,
I will not know the city
so you will teach me the words
I will have no money
so you will feed me crackers
and apple sauce, and I'll be
pleased, you've learned to share
You will carry me when I am
too weak to walk, you will show
me places we've already been
watch out for that alley! That
is where I must go, and you
must not follow, not yet, for
you have another road to travel
and possibly, you may take
someone with you, my child.

A Conversation With a 2.5 Year Old

She looks at me.
I look at her.
She smiles at me.
I smile at her.
She grins at me.
I grin at her.
She points at me.
I point at her.
She laughs at me.
I laugh at her.
I say, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm eating my butt!"

Dragon Age and the Tea Cups

Whenever you make a character for a roleplaying game, it's a part of you. You pick a name, you generally pick the appearance, and you might even go so far as to pick the personality or profession of the character. This means you are emotionally invested right out the gate, unlike a movie or book where you have to learn to care about the characters involved.

So when I played Dragon Age: Origins (yes, I'm a cheapskate and waited until Steam had the "Complete Edition" for $25) and my male elf mage was able to choose to have sex with a male elf rogue, it effected me more than I thought it would.

I mean, a part of me chose to have sex with a virtual male. That is a pretty big deal for me. I mean, I have no choice when the dudes in Brokeback Mountain get in on, because I'm a passive observer, but here I am, actively choosing a virtual homosexual relationship. Here's an analogy:

Say we are at Disneyland. I don't like the Tea Cups. Don't get me wrong, if other people ride the Tea Cups, that's fine with me. That's their business. It doesn't hurt me when they ride the Tea Cups, and it doesn't seem to hurt them, so I respect it. I don't hate the Tea Cups, I just don't like them. Vice versa, if I like the Matterhorn, I wouldn't expect the people who like the Tea Cups to absolutely like the Matterhorn, but I would expect them to respect that I do.

So here I am, playing a game, and bam, a part of me chooses to ride the Tea Cups. (Of course, it's not the same thing, since it was more akin to watching a home video of someone who snuck a camera on the ride, but you get the picture.)

While I was watching two male elves have sex (one of whom was me!), I felt aversion. Now don't get me wrong. This wasn't hatred. I just didn't like it. In the same way that I would get nausea from riding the Tea Cups, and not like that experience, I also did not like this experience.

However, I am not the type to start carrying torches and berate Bioware and Electronic Arts for putting homosexuality in their game. Far from it. I'm self-reflexive enough to wonder why I felt the way I did. Here are the two points I took away from that experience:

• If a part of me chooses to be homosexual, and I don't like it, then that means I'm not homosexual. Which sounds obvious, but we are treading into the future, and these virtual spaces we have set up can blur the lines, and it is better to explore these concepts, rather than ignore the elephant in the room. Especially when other fellow heterosexuals often turn their aversion for homosexuality into hatred, which is counterproductive to society.
  
• Second, I wonder if homosexuals feel the same aversion whenever they make an RPG character and choose to have a heterosexual relationship. If that is the case, then I'm sorry that there are an overabundance of heterosexual relationships in RPGs, and I wish for a future where there are more games like Dragon Age, not less.

Fish and Religion

In Texas, there is a church on every street corner. I would even guess that there are more churches than schools. In neighborhoods where people live in shacks, the house of God is a mansion.

Now before I get too far into this post, I'd like to be clear about my intent. I'm not trying to be judgmental about this. I don't want to get into a war over religion, at least not with this particular thought. This is not a criticism on religion, but an observation and hypothesis of why I think Texas is overflowing with it.

It's really quite simple: Texas is a huge, flat place. The sky seems like it goes on forever and ever, and in any direction you look, all you see is land and more land, that goes on forever and ever and ever. I've now traveled up and down southeastern Texas and it is mile after mile after mile of horizontalness. It's exactly like living in Flatland. (Granted, south and east Texas isn't all of Texas, but it's where most of the people are. Also, west Texas looks pretty flat when you fly over it.)

Contrast this to where I live, Silicon Valley. The most obvious thing is that I am bounded by hills. I see limits, the sky is diminutive in comparison. If I want to, I can actually reach a mountain without much effort. I have the option to get somewhere, and I am never ever lost.

Just imagine the psychological ramifications of this:

• In one land, a person is insignificant, with no end in sight, with limitless surroundings, and where it is pointless to go anywhere because everything is exactly the same, no matter where you go. The smaller you are, the more likely you are to notice how colossal everything else is, and be more inclined to prioritize the observance of an infinite being.
  
• In the other, a person can easily reach landmarks, goals are achievable, and the sky does not intimidate. Horizons are varied, and thus things may change. The bigger you are, the more likely you believe that the heavens are in your grasp, and be more inclined to neglect the observance of an infinite being.
  

In essence, in Texas, you are a small fish in a big fish bowl, and in California, you are a big fish in a small fish bowl.

I Will Be Back

Been sick for two weeks, then traveled around Texas for a week.

Will update this soon.

Promise.