Empire Avenue!

{EAV_BLOG_VER:bf136e2ceffe2e23}

The above code is for verification of this blog with Empire Avenue. Which is unimportant to all of you, but pretty neat for me.

If you don't know what that site is, EA is a lot like a stock market for social media influence.  Like Klout, it measures your weightiness around the internet.  It takes numbers from Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, and blogs (like this one) to measure how awesome you are at generating buzz.

Why would a poet care about that?  Well, I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled whenever people read what I write.  Part of communication is having an engaged audience, regardless of the medium, and sites like EA provide a yardstick for me to gauge how effective I am at broadcasting my message.  It's the same reason why Twitter and Facebook are so fascinating, because not only am I (in essence) self-publishing myself on the internet, I'm also able to see exactly how much my value is worth to the people I interact with.

I'm not the type of poet to sit on a lake and ponder.  (Not knocking those that do.)  At some point I want what I think about to be consumed by the populace, and a site like EA facilitates that interaction.

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I Made A New Word

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After Anne Billson tweeted there should be a word for "the anxiety you feel about not having the time to see all the films, read all the books or hear all the music," and Neil Gaiman retweeted her request, I took it upon myself to make a word for just such an occasion:

"Blunderclumped"

Then I submitted both word and definition to Urban Dictionary, and bam, word made. It's that simple.

Here's a haiku honoring the birth of a new word:

"blunderclumped" a word
at urban dictionary
english grows, huzzah!

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4e Dungeons & Dragons: A Party of Knights

Sir Mars: "Er...we should click something."
Sir Greebus: "What if it breaks?"
Sir Ted: "This is some nerdy %*&#!"
Sir Valiant: "Sir Ted, watch your language. This is a quest!"
Sir Greebus: "Yeah, chucklehead, what he said."
Sir Ted: "This totally sucks."
Sir Mars: "What did you expect?"
Sir Valiant: "What do you mean?"
Sir Ted: "Yeah, what did you mean, chump?"
Sir Mars: "Well..."
*the other knights lean in, their gauntlets rest on their sword hilts*
Sir Mars: "...this is what we get for dumping Int."
Sir Greebus: "Ha!"
Sir Ted: "*&%$!"
Sir Valiant: "Prepostery! Veritable tomfoolery!"
Sir Mars: "I'm just saying that maybe we all shouldn't have an 8 Int!"
Sir Ted: "Int is for dorks!"
Sir Greebus: "What are you, a wizard lover?"
Sir Mars: "No, but..."
Sir Greebus: "Wizard lover, wizard lover, wizard lover--"
Sir Valiant: "That is enough Sir Greebus, perhaps we shouldn't have fired that Eladrin knight."
Sir Ted: "He was lame. He wore a pocket protector on his plate mail."
Sir Valiant: "Quite right. Most lame. Then perhaps we shall endeavor the courage to conquer our foes, and carry forth into the breach mine friends. Righteousness and honoratiousness will prevail!"
Sir Mars: *under his breath* "I don't think that's a word."
Sir Valiant: "What was that?"
Sir Mars: "Nothing, nothing. Oh look! Charop! That looks promising! I'm going to start a thread. That seems like a webby thing to do. Clicking. Now!"
Sir Greebus: "Oh no!"
Sir Ted: "OMG WTF BBQ!"
Sir Valiant: "Duplicitumus! We have entered the internets! Whatever shall we do now?"
Sir Mars: "Simple, my good knights. We wait for trolls...and then we slay."

A Different Sort of Penis

The wife went to a "Future of Social Gaming" seminar, to which I replied, "Tell the geniuses at the social gaming thing to make people suck less."

I was half serious, and as she always does, she ignores me when I'm being...being, well like me. Then last night, I'm playing League of Legends, which is a free-to-play competitive PvP game, and the dicks arrived. They started using the N-word, and dropping F-bombs, which is shorthand for, I'm a dick, and I'm going to let you know I'm a dick, and there is nothing you can do about my dickishness.

Then they started "feeding" which is a type of griefing in which a player lets the opposing team kill them over and over again, which in turn makes the opposing team more powerful because kills give experience and gold. So not only are the dicks being dicks with words, their actions are dicky as well.

So the half-serious quip becomes truth.

Now, to be fair to LoL, they have a reporting system (which is ineffective due to the number of complaints vs. the number of employees at their company), and they are implementing a democracy of sorts called the Tribunal System, where we the players may judge other players. Hopefully all of that works out. Perhaps heads will roll, and Viva La LoL! will save us from the dicks, but honestly, that is just sweeping the dicks to another place, somewhere else where they can continue to be dicks to other people (hopefully each other).

My observation about most attempts to corral the dicks away from "normal people" is that they tend to treat the symptoms. Yes, suspensions and bans work, about as well as prison does, which means it's too little too late. As proposed by Penny Arcade in this comic, what gives the dicks their power is the anonymous nature of social gaming. I mean, think about it, how can something be social if the people in question have no idea who they are being social with? Wouldn't that be called "anonymous gaming" or perhaps "gaming with strangers?"

Though the quick fix of attaching your real life information to your game avatar has serious issues, as evidenced by the World of Warcraft Real ID fiasco. So on one hand, we have anonymous dicks, and on the other, we have dicks IRL.

So I'll rehash here what I told my wife (seriously this time), because the entire future of social gaming depends on it--

Hey Geniuses: Fix the Dick Problem.

Random Album Cover

This has been floating around Facebook:

Album Cover
1 - Go to Wikipedia and hit random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”. Third picture no ma...tter what it is will be your album cover.
4 - Use photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.
5 - Post it with this text in the "caption" and TAG the friends you want to join in. (or not)

So here's my random album cover:

Seven Ways to Fail at Twitter

I felt the need to provide a counterpoint to this.

Since I'm an introvert, I have a knack for ticking people off. Through much trial and error, I have found the best ways to ostracize myself, not only from Twitter, but pretty much any gathering of humans. I currently have 23 followers and falling, and will probably have even less after this post. Huzzah!

If you wish to retain your reclusive nature, here are the seven best ways to fail utterly at Twitter:

1) Don't care about other people. This seems obvious, but it can be deceivingly difficult to have complete apathy for other humans. (Notice I'm not talking about antipathy here. This is indifference, not disgust.) Don't take an interest in anyone else, and hopefully, they will take the hint and get their attention elsewhere.

2) Don't read tweets/posts/blogs by anyone else. People only care about themselves, and if you start reading about what they think, then they are more likely to think you care about them.
See 1).

3) Never respond to anyone by name. People like attention, and if you give it to them, they might stick around, which is appalling in the grand scheme of things. In other words, if you do read what other people write, then for Pete's sake, don't tell them you did so. Though it is far better to only write about yourself, and preferably in abstract ways that mean little to anyone but yourself.

4) Talk about your cat/kids/poetry. Besides caring about themselves, people only really like controversy. Think train wrecks or beautiful people doing dumb things, and do something absolutely the opposite. I suggest linking pictures of waterfalls. Like so.

5) Never ever use "#". Using a hashtag is like an indoctrination tattoo that brands you as a member of a tribe. And tribes are made of people. And people are bad.

6) Play the Devil's advocate. Argue...I mean, debate people about everything they care about. Preferably if you can maintain a cool composure. Everyone hates a hothead troll, but people loathe the guy who never insults everyone, who reasonably shreds everything you care about to ribbons, and who always seems to be right, while making you look and feel like an idiot.

7) Never ask for the opinions of other people. If you ask for comments, that implies you will read what they write, which goes against 2).

Hopefully this post will be helpful to the frustrated introverts among us who have been doing this thing all wrong from the beginning, and will teach them the fundamental tools to sever interpersonal relationships, so that we can find fulfillment with our intrapersonal communication.

Me, Myself, and I

Fight Fire With Ice

I wrote this after I was called out for using the word "irregardless" in a forum post:

Some people might be interested in this link. Or this one. Or this one.

Then again they might not. They might believe it is their duty to point out any flaw in any person at every opportunity, irregardless of the circumstances, especially in a thread devoted to an entirely unrelated issue, in the hopes that their efforts will exasperate the discussion, and bring the entire enterprise crashing down in flames.

Luckily, I am made of ice, and do not care one whit how I spell things, or what people think about how I spell things. I realize that you are trying to help me learn how to spell, because it is obvious I am in dire need of such services, however, I am perfectly capable of finding an online dictionary myself. So thank you for your trouble, and let's endeavor to keep this discourse on track.

What I Was Going to Post

So I was writing on the Dungeons and Dragons forums, and a troll appeared. He said this:

"but by that you do admit that knights ARE indeed optimizable, therefore the basis of your argument is false and as my esteemed colleague states www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrjwaqZfjIY"

My first instinct was to write this, which I think might have been against their code of conduct, so instead of replying with it, I'll instead post it here:

Your esteemed colleague failed at reading comprehension, and now you are implying that knights are only optimizable with builds that contain one race and/or one feat?

Okay, great! Good answer! Of course, I already knew that, and nowhere in my post is the assertion that knights are not optimizable with a half-elf or mark of storm, but of course, that would require reading, which I realize is an ambitious request in this day and age. Perhaps I could flash a lot of bright lights, maybe bang some drums, and then it will be easier for the inattentive among us.

Or perhaps you aren't saying that, and are instead jumping to conclusions, because you would rather see the simple answer rather than anything complex. Which I understand might be taxing on a brain's mental processes. Whew! Let's not think too hard! This is exhausting!

Or maybe you are trying to start an argument, which won't work either, because I'm not particularly prone to caring about what other people on the internet think about me or what I think, though of course, the more you can show me that you can spend more than 5 seconds considering something I've said, then I might be willing to entertain the notion of exchanging information with you.

Of course, I did not follow your youtube link, just as I didn't follow your colleague's link, because I lack a sense of humor, and because one day, in the distant future, all communication might one day be like this.

Though I'm sure your link is humorous!

Yay! I Winzor!

I won a random geeky contest on Crispy Gamer, and I'm totally stoked. I'm glad that someone out there with at least a little bit of clout thinks that I can write a decent sentence.

(And yes, my winning entry was "Dude. My thumb has a crapload of pixels." Which took longer to write than you would think: I fully endorse the scriptwriter's credo that Less Is More, so I switched ideas multiple times, cut out extraneous words, and rearranged the structure of the sentence to put the punchline at the end. That one sentence took ten minutes to create.)

Then I read something along the lines of this, and I'm again humbled by someone who can put big words together and make sense. Perhaps it's because he's British.

It's my hope that in continuing this charade of a blog, that some skill with language develops over time, and that at the end of the process I'm a better writer than I would have been had I done nothing.

Even More Music Spaces!

I found another great place for user generated music, which sorts artists by popularity, kind of like Digg.

You can check out my profile there and vote for whatever song you like:

http://www.thesixtyone.com/#/Pudbucket/

I wonder if sites like this will become even more popular as music becomes easier to create (at least on a computer). I also wonder if the current iteration of middle men are shaking in their boots, scrutinizing their spreadsheets as the revenue drains away to alternative avenues.

I'd bet not though. Instead, I imagine they are probably scouring the internet like Ring Wraiths, looking to acquire small hobbit sites with golden rings, and bring them to some level of profitability and mediocrity.

So it goes.

A Self-Referential Post About Posts

Since I've been brooding over writing, I've been curious as to the nature of a blog. Will I ever run out of worthwhile things to say? Can I maintain the discipline required to compose something nearly every day? (There have been many days thus far where I exclaim, "Screw it! I've got nothing important in my brain," and then I come back the day after with some kernel of an idea and bang out a half decent paragraph or two.)

Certainly, eventually I'll decide that this isn't worth it. Either I'll die, or become an alcoholic, or colonize Mars, or invent some other half-baked excuse and this blog will fade from existence. Whether it happens in one or a hundred years, I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it.

I had started this exercise with the premise that there were an infinite different ideas to explore to begin with, so how could I ever run out of things to say? Besides, it forces me to write, even when I don't want to, the hungry maw of the internet remains ravenous regardless of my pitiful justifications. This rectangle simply must be fed with large quantities of words at regular intervals, until my fingers cramp up from arthritis, and I break my back shoveling phrases out of my skull.

However, I doubt that axiom at irregular intervals, especially when I am frantically searching my thoughts for something meaningful to share: there may be an infinite number of ideas in the universe, however, the number of good ideas is certainly fewer than that (though possibly still infinite) and the number of interpretations I can make is less than that, and most definitely finite.

Though all I am doing is linking writing with an unforeseeable end, and in theory, blogs have no end. This might carry on for all of eternity, until everything itself ceases, and the cosmos contracts to nothing, and we figure out once and for all if there really is an Oblivion, and whether it's as nice as we all had hoped, or it might end next week if I get hit by a bus.

That optimistic daydream is what compels me to write, that this might continue on after I kick the bucket, at least for a little while. Perhaps it's naive. Perhaps it's starry eyed to presuppose that other people give a damn about what I think about a myriad of topics. Though what is the alternative? To remain silent and twisted, as these images and visions conquer my mind? Such a fate seems worse than simply letting the horde gain entry into this world, one blog post at a time.

Pomplamoose!

I had this stuck in my head while I was sleeping, and trust me, the guy's dancing does not improve with imagination. Though I will say that his enthusiasm and apparent musical ability makes up for any forays into dorkishness. Her eyes also remind me of the chick in this video. Fast forward to 2:43 to see what I mean. Especially when compared to this:

Quality Comes in Small Amounts

I'd like to take this time to thank you for reading. After the first two months, Chuck A Monkey just reached 1000 hits yesterday. Though I can't see who is visiting the site, I can see how many there are, and it has steadily increased to about 20-30 hits a day.

I realize that's no where near the big time, and I'm not treating this like a popularity contest where people are merely votes to be tallied. To me that seems like a considerable amount, and I'm excited that either you are interested in reading what I'm saying, or this blog is a devious trap for anyone really looking for something else through a search engine who happens to get stuck here. Either way, I consider that a win.

Any number higher than zero is a success for me, because that means at least one person took the time out of their day to interact with something that I've created. I'm humbled by that, and I appreciate it.

For anyone thinking that I might be rolling in internet riches, the Google ads I have on this site are more for counting hits than getting paid. As of right now, I've earned 6 cents in ad revenue. You read it right: $.06. I'll probably get a check any day now for that amount.

Honestly though, that's the most fulfilling money I've ever made, because no one told me what to do and how to dress and where to stand and what forms to fill out. I wasn't expecting to be rolling in dough by doing what I enjoy, so adding six cents into the deal just seems like it's unfair for Google.

When I showed my wife the first cent I made, she and I cheered, because it's not the quantity that matters, it's the quality, and that is true of both money and people.

Rotten Tomatoes

Main site here.

This is my favorite movie site, because its aggregate nature means I have less busywork on my part, which I especially appreciate whenever the internet is concerned. Instead of navigating the breadth of reviewers out there, or just relying on whatever the newspaper or yahoo says, I get a democracy of sorts where every reviewer gets one vote.

There is even an electoral college, where arcane criteria divide Top Critics from other, less reputable sources. Roger Ebert is good. Some buffoon with a blog is bad. (Who, me?)

I also enjoy the debates (flame wars) when a particular critic bashes an otherwise popular movie. Take Armond White for example. This man has the ability to create controversy by hating every populous movie and liking every lambasted one. He gave rotten reviews to District 9, Harry Potter, and Up, which as of right now have 90%, 83%, and a 97% total scores. He gave fresh reviews to G.I. Joe, Transformers, and Dance Flick, which have 37%, 19%, and 19%. This man incites the forums to a riot, and can get away with it because he's respected (feared) within the film community.

I'm somewhat concerned that a site like this will push smaller, less cumulative avenues for movie reviews into the alley. Though as a consumer, I'm always looking for more bang for my buck. Why click on one movie reviewer at one site when I can get them all at the same time?

Research Dead End

I searched the internet for reliable data on a list of languages by total number of speakers, and I ran into a dead end. It seems like every site on the internet claiming to have an accurate list all stem from this one source: http://www.ethnologue.com/

I searched through the bibliography for any current studies that support this, and most of it apparently comes from outdated census data and guesswork.

The reason I was looking for this in the first place was to solidify claims that Mandarin Chinese was the world's most populous language, however, all I could find was the happenstance claims from random sites that all link back to Ethnologue. I can understand that it might be spoken by the largest number of native speakers, but that is really a moot point when what I really want to know is how many people speak each language, regardless of whether it's their first, second, third, or seventeenth language.

This paper interested me, because instead of giving raw facts without any sort of historical background, he synthesized the data into possibly trends. At this point though, I am equally doubtful of this information, since I'm unsure as to whether or not it has been peer-reviewed.

I seriously doubt that there are a huge influx of immigrants to China, and since Mandarin is not really a lingua franca, despite the emigration of many native speakers, I have doubts as to the influence of Chinese on the rest of the world. Especially since the trend has been thus far for other countries to learn English, while English speakers continue to propagate English. For an example of that, I would use this diagram. However, I am dubious as to my own bias, and the paper that published that study.

It would have been fascinating to find hard facts to illustrate the status of various languages in the world, however, at least for the moment, I haven't found anything rigid enough to support any valid conclusions.

A Safe Brainstorming Place

Let me be clear: this blog is for brainstorming any ideas and thoughts I happen to be interested in.

I am not in the business of telling anyone what to think or do. A lot of what I write here is flawed, and if taken into the sphere of reality without further consideration could turn out disastrous. I'm not running for public office, I'm not conducting scientific peer-reviewed research. These posts are half-baked, faulty, and, in many cases, flat out wrong.

You may be asking, then why say it? Why go to the trouble of criticizing a particular group or ideology, or proposing a new idea if I already know that something is amiss? Well, when I traverse into the chaotic jumble of unformed ideas, and shape them into something seemingly tangible, if I don't cage them in some form, then eventually they escape, and I'm lost with the sinking feeling that I forgot something, but I can't quite put my finger on what it was.

On the other hand, if I jot it down, then I get a relatively permanent place where I can reread what I thought about in the past, while simultaneously sharing that idea with anyone who is attracted to misshapen ruminations.

Why then am I posting this stuff on the internet? Something like a journal, which is only meant for myself, is the literary equivalent of vomit. It is not edited, it is not preened and ready to go out into the world. Words written for yourself are inherently different than words intended for an audience. The act of communication changes things.

Though, as I said before, just because I am composing this with an assembly in mind, doesn't mean that I'm attempting to zealously convert you to whatever it is I think. That's not my ambition at all.

In short: this is where I get to think about ideas before you or I decide whether or not they are total rubbish. If you like what I say, great, like it for yourself and form a course of action that suits you to you. If you hate what I say, be comforted in the notion that I probably goofed somewhere, and that I'm a dimwit.

Just be aware that while I fully support unrestrained thought, I detest unrestrained action.

Identity Dissonance

I dig both versions of Rock Band. Even the upcoming Beatles game interests me. However, up until this point, I have been too poor to buy the games, let alone get any of the downloadable content. I've been relying on the generosity of others, and for them I am grateful.

Our priority since having kids has been paying for the kids. I haven't upgraded to any of the current generations of consoles. My computer is a shantytown of found and given parts. The last game I bought (after giving up WoW) was the Orange Box, which has the highest entertainment to cost ratio of any video game out there. Even that only set me back $30, and it was a big deal at the time.

I don't see myself buying any game on the foreseeable horizon, especially not Starcraft 2 since they announced it was really three separate games. I can't see myself shelling out $150-180 total on an RTS, I'm sorry. I would play through the single player campaign, then play online a grand total of three times before I realize that playing an RTS against anyone other than your friends, who lugged their computers to a central location, and who are able to mock each other without abandon, is a complete waste of my time. I don't give a crap if I win or lose to ZERGYBABY69 or RAYRAYGOGO. Nostalgia is cool and all, and it was a big deal ten years ago, but I've changed, and I don't think I can relive the Starcraft experience any more than I can go back in time and right all wrongs.

I've even been having my doubts about returning to the Alpha of all CRPG/action game hybrids: the Diablo franchise. Disregarding its ever changing release date, from 2010 to 2011 (which, knowing Blizzard will be 2012 in short order), I just can't see, first, my computer running it and, second, me having any time to devote to this game. I'm not saying no, since my favorite games ever were Diablo I and II, but I'm having doubts, and that's strange.

Like how my dad doesn't play pinball at the bowling alley any more, or how he never gets his pool cue out and owns people for cash. It's just not what he wants to do any more. He'd rather pick green beans in the garden with his grandson. When my son haphazardly rides his bike around the court, my dad would rather run along beside him in case he falls.

Instead of souping up a gaming PC so I can run Diablo III, I'd really rather get a Mac with Logic Pro on it.

College Humor Rocks

Go here.

Mario gets finally gets what's coming to him. Minesweeper gets the treatment it deserves. Facebook as a movie device.

Not much to say today, consuming more than I'm creating, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Virtual Worlds

I'm loathe to discuss this, since I have been periodically lost within digital spaces, however, I definitely think there is merit above and beyond addiction and delusive behavior in things like MMOs, and video games in general.

I'd like to specifically address MMOs, since I have been enthralled with one for about the last four years. One of the things that became apparent over time was that objects would have value to me (and anyone else similarly leashed by the game), but to everyone else, level and gold and gear and whatever else had absolutely no value. In fact, the more in game value I possessed, the less real world value I had. This makes sense from the outside, but when I was inside, somehow the virtual value equaled any real world value (time) I had traded it for.

Now before I jump to conclusions and say that no one should ever believe in virtual goods, I'd like to point out that every currency in the world is virtual. Every service provided by a person that doesn't result in the creation of an object is virtual. Every social contract we uphold, every generalization, and every idea we have in our head is virtual.

The difference is that everything I mentioned above can be traded in the real world. I can trade my services to you, and you can give me cash, which I can then use to purchase a taco.

MMO value, on the other hand, cannot (easily) be traded in for real world value. I can't sell a character for cash without breaking the rules. I can't "work" at a task in the virtual world, and then recieve real world value for that service. That's why these spaces are limited to MMOGs. I can't take my orc shaman, grind out some gold, and then convert that gold into real currency.

In order for these digital spaces to make the transformation from valueless "games" to legitimate "worlds," then some sort of exchange rate must be introduced, and trade barriers must cease. Just as goods and services cross national lines, so too must commerce cross between the real world and the virtual world.

Until then, these places will be valueless distractions, and nothing more.