lost my marbles
down the mountain I roll
downhill to the sea
under the waves
to the abyss

volcanic vent
sink in the magma
to the center
a giant metal marble
where I laugh

...

social services

I wait in the corner
barefoot woman walks in
her hands shake
she sits down next to me
arms crossed
she says, "don't be embarassed
I didn't feel like shoes"
I say, "I'm not,
are you alright?"

"I need to go to the hospital," she mumbles
"do you need any help?" I say
her face startles
like she's not used to people hearing her
"this is fucking bullshit
I hate this place
what number are they on?"
"they skip around
I think they forgot me"
"you should go up to a window and tell them"
"I'm patient"
"I'm not"

tattoo man stomps in
knuckles drag on tile
he sees me
I see him
he kisses her
he says, "I love you"
she says, "I love you too"
like she's convincing someone
he leaves

"why are you here?" she asks
the weight of society in her tone
I say "I watch my two kids
ex-wife wanted a career
then she left because I wasn't successful"
"why aren't you successful?"
"because I watch kids"
our eyes meet
barefoot woman says
"I'll never understand women"
we smile

they call my number
I fill out forms
as I drive away
tattoo man
rides his bicycle around
he sees me
I see him
I wonder if he thinks
that when he's mounted her tonight
she'll think of me



...

living in a treehouse journal

day #1
built a treehouse
seems sensible
since they're the only ones
who seem to get it

day #2
figured out the whole
going to the bathroom thing
that's not pleasant

day #3
snickers running low
what to do

day #4
someone walked underneath
I hid
like I needed to
how often do people look at trees

day #5
woke up with a squirrel on my toe
showed me how to gather acorns
I'm glad
pinecones unappetizing

day #6
think people starting to wonder
where I went

day #7 part 1
yup, they are
they have search dogs
damn dogs
they should be on my side

day #7 part 2
"sir step away from the tree"

day #7 part 3
ex wife says
"what are you doing up there"
I say
"I think this tree cares for me
more than you ever did"

day #7 part 4
kids say
"daddy, come down from there"
I say
"kids
you can live up here with me
I don't mind
the more monkeys the merrier"

day #7 part 5
the police have grappling hooks
guess this is the end
of tree houses

...

everyone has infinite value

a piece of bread
with the potential energy
of 100 calories
has the value of a few cents

your mind
has the potential energy
of infinite ideas
of infinite words
of infinite power
of infinite value

why do you allow others
to treat you as less than infinite
why do you allow yourself
to treat you as less than infinite

I see your infinite value
it blinds me
this world of billions
of supernova

how different the world looks
when you see everyone’s value
like stars in daytime
as no one is worthless

do not let anyone give you
nothing for you
you are worth infinite value
you are worth living

you say, “how can we be
worth infinite value
we are common
like sand”

I say, “water is infinite value
in a desert
your mind has infinite value
in this universe”

you say, “what of the ones
who treat me as less
than infinite
what of them”

I say, “why believe them
they believe you are worthless
believe my infinity
as I believe in yours”

...

Thursday Morning

5YO: "You know what, I want a dog that's rainbow."
7YO: "They don't come like that. You'd have to paint it."
"I know but dogs don't like to be painted."
"Then it would be wet."
"I know, dogs don't like to be wet."
"Dogs and cats don't like to be wet. They shake it all off like this."
"Yup."
"You know what? A cat likes to be wet in the bathtub if you put fish in it."
"There's no fish in the bathtub."
"There is at a pet store."
"There's no fish at a pet store."
"Yes, there is, that's where we got Puddles."
"Puddles was a good cat."
"Puddles was a good cat, except he peed on everything."

...

Beliefs are Monkey Bars

beliefs are monkey bars
you hang on
everyone hangs on
you look up at the sky
you think
“if I hang on long enough I’ll go there”
you look down
you think
“if I let go I’ll land in the tanbark”
(no one likes tanbark)
(it’s pokey)
you look around
everyone hangs on
you hang on
your hands hurt

you hear a voice
that voice is me
I say
“let go of the monkey bars”
you say
“what an idiot”
I say
“hey, I’m not an idiot, let go of the monkey bars”
you say
“I’ll fall in the tanbark”
(no one likes tanbark)
(it’s pokey)
I say
“no you won’t”
you say
“yes I will”
I say
“no you won’t”
you say
“what about gravity”
I say
“there’s no gravity in your mind”
you think
you look around
everyone hangs on
your hands hurt
you decide

a) you hang on
until you die
and you let go anyway

b) you let go
you let go of the past
you let go of the future
you let go of prejudice
you let go of preconceptions
you let go of power
you let go of control
you let go of words
you let go of identity
you let go of hate
you fall
and fall
and fall
and fall
and never hit the ground
because there’s no tanbark
(no one likes tanbark)
(it’s pokey)
you float around
with me
and the rest of the dreamers
and imagine a world without monkey bars
and falling


…

Matthew the Monkey

matthew the monkey kept food on the moon
his favorite grub strewn over the dunes
who'd build a rocket to steal his burgers
or piles of tortillas filled with cheddar
red, yellow, and green curries sloshing down
gulleys of naan and rice where moon-mice drown
if you reckon you've seen a UFO
it might have been a gyro or taco
he planted six different types of pasta
next to the flower bed of lasagna
we cannot forget the ice cream and cake
afloat the middle of the coffee lake
did I forget the pizza and grilled cheese
the french toast perfectly still with no breeze
he likes omelets and bacon and biscuits
and pulled pork sandwiches served with brisket
is there anything matthew will not eat
his gluttony is extremely complete
though be careful if you visit him too
you might also end up in matthew's stew

...

Why Humans Never Want To Contact Aliens

…

Imagine sometime in the far future we pick up some type of signal from an alien civilization.  Since we mastered harnessing an infinite amount of energy using our perpetual motion engines, it’s pretty easy for us to hop in our spaceships and break the speed of light.

Once there we scan for life and find none.  Puzzled, we instead find that the entire planet is in a constant state of creation and destruction due to out of control chemical chain reactions.  In addition, the harmful radiation from the nearby star, and the corrosive gases in the atmosphere would make life as we know it impossible.  And yet, we are still receiving crude repetitive transmissions from this planet.

The captain orders a team sent to the surface to ascertain the planet from the ground.  Our anti-matter suits should be effective at reflecting any sort of hostile matter or radiation that would kill us outright.  We beam down to the planet, and what we find is horrendous:

Everything on the planet is hostile.  From the tiniest groups of molecules to the largest object, anything that moves on the planet will chemically assimilate anything else.  Though we are repulsed, we are vaguely curious.  From razor sharp blades, to pointed objects, to poisons, to lethal traps and exothermic reactions, everything has a way to consume energy. 

Fearing for our lives, we beam back to our ship, carefully decontaminate the team, then place a warning force field around the entire solar system.  We build a science station with a nova bomb on a nearby planet in case the contagion spreads, and then hastily head back home.

What would have happened had this planet been exposed to infinite energy?  It’s only logical that the chain reaction would have spread infinitely, consuming the entire universe.  Photosynthesis and cellular respiration must be quarantined for the safety of the universe.

That’s why this is called, oh wait, I wrote the wrong title.  This should be: “Why Aliens Never Want to Contact Humans.”


…

Pirates and Ninja

...

I don’t believe in pirate love
that sloshes grog
and swears loyalty
yet with the gleam of treasure
in skull and crossbone eyes
it sails away
and deceptively deserts you
on the island
of yourself

I believe in ninja love
that sneaks past
your wall
and whispers honestly
that today I might love you
and tomorrow I might still
until the day either
the love dies
or I die

...

I Met Myself

...

I met myself and said, "Stop throwing myself around time.  The past and future are just fine without me.  Besides, I'm getting everything confused." 

Then I said, "I don't understand, what do I know, since I'm just a different version of myself."  I stopped to think about this, and as I did, every version of me merged into a we, and we knew only birth and death and triumph and despair and boredom, since there was nothing to separate this from that, and there was no time to be anything other than us, since we saw only the all of us together at last.

We thought, "This must be what it's like before or after a universe creates itself.  Before time stretches us out into different people, like an uncoiled rope.  Now we have tied ourselves back together.  We will always be we, forever and ever."

At least until the next kablooey, and we are blown across time into me and me and me.

...

Written for
dVerse Poets Pub

The World's Largest Booger

...

the world's largest booger
was lifted by a crane
from it's former owner
and traveled here by train

the museum has a sign
"Do Not Eat The Booger"
since to a toddler mind

snot tastes just like sugar

how did so much mucus
(it's over twelve feet wide!)
fit through a nose, unless
only afterwards it dried

...

I Made A New Word

...

After Anne Billson tweeted there should be a word for "the anxiety you feel about not having the time to see all the films, read all the books or hear all the music," and Neil Gaiman retweeted her request, I took it upon myself to make a word for just such an occasion:

"Blunderclumped"

Then I submitted both word and definition to Urban Dictionary, and bam, word made. It's that simple.

Here's a haiku honoring the birth of a new word:

"blunderclumped" a word
at urban dictionary
english grows, huzzah!

...

Universal Zombies Themes, Part 2

You wouldn't know it from outside my blog, but for some reason, this post has the most page hits of anything I've written so far. Apparently some college professor somewhere has a class with an emphasis on the walking dead, so lots of sweaty students are typing "zombie themes" into Google and ending up here. Don't worry about it, I've been there. Your secret is safe with me.

I'm also fully aware (as it has been thus since Shakespeare's day) that the players should conform to the wishes of their audience, so here is another thought on zombies as a trope. Steal it...ahem, quote me and provide a proper MLA style citation. Or whatever. Just be aware that the dusty dude with glasses and a red pen can use the internet, too.

So here goes:

For the majority of movie history, zombies have been predominately one type: Sad. They wail, they shuffle around, they don't particularly look like a fun lot. I'd even go so far as to say they were depressed. I mean, maybe that's why they eat brains, just to make themselves feel a tad better before they burst apart at the seams. They aren't even really that scary, since they are so freaking slow. I mean, one dude with a baseball bat can take out at least twenty without any effort. Come on Hollywood, hear that? It's called suspension of disbelief shattering.

Then around 2002 we had a new type of zombie, the angry type. You can thank 28 Days Later for that one. Finally, a film with zombies in it that is actually scary. Rage zombies are pissed off, and oh yeah, they can run really fast. They are also pumped with adrenaline, so that means they are like undead PCP junkies with super strength. Think Incredible Hulk.

Still, rage zombies, while fun to watch, aren't necessarily built for one of the major tools in filmmaking: Suspense. It's tough to build up to a scare in an audience when the zombies are so stinking fast, and your entire movie changes to a shlocky surprise flick at every turn if the zombies aren't laying in wait for an ambush somewhere.

Okay, so we have sad and angry zombies, what are we missing? What major emotional state has been yet to be explored fully by zombie filmmakers as a whole? I'll tell you what:

Happiness.

That's right. There should be happy zombies. Think Wall-E. Think of zombies that actually wanted to become zombies in the first place. Imagine the themes possible in an exploration of that. You'd have protagonists that would have to wrestle with the fundamental questions of an eternal reward, right here on Earth, that would be better than living as a "normal" human. Let me list a few places where a movie like this could be applicable to our modern world:

• video games (particularly MMOs)
• religion (specifically heaven)
• pharmaceuticals (a pill that makes you a happy zombie)
• humans as secondary lifeforms (alien or machine or whatever zookeepers, think Matrix)
• advertising
• government
• movies (talk about self-referential)
• relationships (eHarmony type sites)

That's just a drop in the bucket of what I'm talking about. Sure, there have been movies that tangentially explore these themes, but minus the zombies. Get some gory zombies running around with giant smiles on their faces, have Woody Harrelson say, "Man, I'd sure like to be happy again and see my little pup," and get some drama going with this stuff. Add in some clowns for giggles, just to be sure.

So get to it Hollywood. Make some freaking Happiness Zombies.

4e Dungeons & Dragons: A Party of Knights

Sir Mars: "Er...we should click something."
Sir Greebus: "What if it breaks?"
Sir Ted: "This is some nerdy %*&#!"
Sir Valiant: "Sir Ted, watch your language. This is a quest!"
Sir Greebus: "Yeah, chucklehead, what he said."
Sir Ted: "This totally sucks."
Sir Mars: "What did you expect?"
Sir Valiant: "What do you mean?"
Sir Ted: "Yeah, what did you mean, chump?"
Sir Mars: "Well..."
*the other knights lean in, their gauntlets rest on their sword hilts*
Sir Mars: "...this is what we get for dumping Int."
Sir Greebus: "Ha!"
Sir Ted: "*&%$!"
Sir Valiant: "Prepostery! Veritable tomfoolery!"
Sir Mars: "I'm just saying that maybe we all shouldn't have an 8 Int!"
Sir Ted: "Int is for dorks!"
Sir Greebus: "What are you, a wizard lover?"
Sir Mars: "No, but..."
Sir Greebus: "Wizard lover, wizard lover, wizard lover--"
Sir Valiant: "That is enough Sir Greebus, perhaps we shouldn't have fired that Eladrin knight."
Sir Ted: "He was lame. He wore a pocket protector on his plate mail."
Sir Valiant: "Quite right. Most lame. Then perhaps we shall endeavor the courage to conquer our foes, and carry forth into the breach mine friends. Righteousness and honoratiousness will prevail!"
Sir Mars: *under his breath* "I don't think that's a word."
Sir Valiant: "What was that?"
Sir Mars: "Nothing, nothing. Oh look! Charop! That looks promising! I'm going to start a thread. That seems like a webby thing to do. Clicking. Now!"
Sir Greebus: "Oh no!"
Sir Ted: "OMG WTF BBQ!"
Sir Valiant: "Duplicitumus! We have entered the internets! Whatever shall we do now?"
Sir Mars: "Simple, my good knights. We wait for trolls...and then we slay."

A Bad Guy

Justin: "You're the bad guy."
Me: "I feed you, I love you, I take care of you, and I'm the bad guy?"
Justin: "Yeah, you're the bad guy. You're Kanjar Ro."
Harmony: "Pew pew!"

Get Your Damn T.V.s Off My Pump

There's a Shell station near here, and some genius thought it would be a super idea to stick televisions on the pump. I mean, in the three minutes I'm getting gas, I doubt I'll have time watch an entire episode of anything interesting, so I'm guessing these are designed to fill up my head with advertising.

That's a brilliant thought, Mr. Executive! Buy televisions, spend money on installing them, powering them, and upkeeping them, then overcharge my gas, and tick me off in the process, so I'm less likely to want to visit your establishment!

Since you are too dumb to realize what you are really selling, let me explain it to you: The entire point of getting gas is to encounter a small slice of time, a meditative bubble, where we have nowhere to go, and nothing to do, where we wait for a number to magically count up from zero gallons to our personal capacity for enlightenment.

After I've slid the card, stuck the nozzle in the tank, and picked 87 cause I'm cheap, I'm in charge. Let me say that again: I'm in charge. I want to lean up against my car and do nothing. I want to check my windshield. I want to look over my car for dents. I want to clean off the birdshit. I get to pick, because I'm in freaking charge, and your T.V.s are getting in the freaking way.

We need moments of respite in this crazy world, and pumping gas is one of those few islands in the storm. If you fill it up with inane babble about your stupid credit card, then you have ruined the experience. You have annihilated a section of my life that I appreciate, and you need to know that there will be a natural consequence for your disregard of our merchant/customer relationship--

I see that Chevron across the street has no televisions.

4e Dungeons and Dragons: Bah, Eladrins!

Dwarf: "Hey, you!"
Eladrin: *sigh* "Yes...?"
"Go elf the walls!"
"I'm an eladrin."
"Pointy ears, pouty demeanor, likes trees and badgers...I don't care what you are, go elf the walls!"
"I'm a knight."
"Right, and I'm an orc. If you can't elf the walls, then what good are you?"
"I can use my superior intellect to calculate the precise trajectory--"
"--so you're a nerd. Not only are you useless, you are also a book-reading, four-eyed dweeb. Listen Einstein, can you even cast spells?"
"Well, no but--"
"Okay super smarty pants, you have a huge brain, and you were too dumb to learn fireball. I'm sure your pansy prince was totally thrilled about knighting an egghead."
"I'm out of here. Farewell!"
"Good riddance, freaking elf tin can. Bah!"
*eladrin teleports away, while dwarf continues down passageway, which triggers an explosion trap*
"Why didn't he sodding elf the walls?!?"
*dwarf dies*

Why You Should Never Read a Blog

I'm watching Lost on Netflix streaming at the moment, and I've come to the conclusion that I hate television.

I really do, but not in the way you are thinking. Rotting my brain with all the crappy people doing crappy things thrills me, so that's not the issue. What bothers me about normal t.v. shows is that they go on and on and on and on and on, for season after season after season.

Now it's not so irritating after the show is over, and I have a definite timeline for how many hours of my life a specific show is going to devour. In this case, Lost has six seasons, so I realized when I started that I needed to set aside a certain number of brain cells to kill. (Twenty seven neurons burn out every time Jack talks, just like Viggo Mortensen's Aragorn in LotR when he exclaims, "You cannot wield it! Weenie man, away!")

The same thing applies to a blog. They have indefinite endings. Whoever you are following is just going to keep blathering on about crap, and never really get to a conclusion. At least until they are dead, which is the one crucial advantage that books and movies have over television and blogs.

So I beseech you. Please, do not read blogs, at least until they have an exact stopping point. That way you are truly certain that once you start, you can see the end in sight.

Caffeine Rush

Fat Buddha Said Play Hooky

What he really said was, "Screw you guys," but I interpreted that to mean, "Stay home, take a break, and don't bother with the rest of the world. At least for today."

So I will not shave, though I will probably take a shower, and I will sleep in, and when I do bother to get up, I will not change out of my scrubby clothing, and I will feed the kids Hostess donuts for breakfast. The kids will veg out on video games and T.V. all day, and I will not miss the looks and cold shoulders from the moms and grandparents of the world (the grandmas are the worst, it's like I'm going to eat their grandkids).

Except I will do the dishes. That needs to get done, and I think Fat Buddha can let me at least do that. I also will feed the kids, though I'll let the five year old stand in front of the refrigerator and let out all the cold air. To hell with it! Take five minutes to figure out what you want! Yes, I am cooling down the whole world!

So my kid is not going to school today. He's playing Wolverine, and the two year old is singing and eating a chocolate donut. We are all a mess, and Monday will be our day of rest.

Fat Buddha said so.